I don't know how to start the story tonight. I don't even understand what I am feeling now. I just wanna cry a lot and I know I need to cry to express my feeling, I really wanna cry but then I cannot cry. Why ? I don't know, I just...I cannot cry.Some people say, cry doesn't mean we are weak, lebay, cengeng or whatever it is, cry means we have a heart feeling, we feel the pain, sad, or even angry. I am in situation, I wanna cry and just wanna cry but I cannot cry because I don't know why I cannot cry. It's confusing, isn't it ? Samaaaaa...hahahaha ...skip!

When I write this blog, I am listening to a song from Fiersa Besari featuring Feby Putri. The tittle is Runtuh. The lyrics mean a lot for me. "....terbiasa berpura pura tertawa, namun bolehkah sekali saja kumenangis? Sebelum kembali membohongi diri..." . Perhaps, some people pretend to be happy facing others but inside they are broken heart, they are sad but they cannot say that. I felt the same things too. Especially when I have to face my family. They don't need to know how hard I work to live my family, to pay some bills, or to buy some medicines when they are ill. They don't need to think about those things. It's my resposibility. I am in charge to think about those think. I push myself to work as hard as I can, so when my family need something, they just mention it. I realise, I lost metime, I don't have much time for selfcare. I never know, that selfcare is also important for me. Untill one day, I am so disturbing by something. I don't know when it started, but there is soemthing wrong with my hands movement. I did to much typo for texting or writing something. It's so annoying. Then I decided to talk to my cousin. He is a therapist in a hospital in Bandung. He suggested me to see neurologist, because perhaps I got dyslexia. I smiled at first. In my opinion, 'dyslexia hanya diderita oleh anak anak'. During my life, I have no problems both of writing and reading. So, I don't really care about it. he gave me a therapy for my hands flexibility. I did it for the couple times but I don't really satisfy. Start reading some articles on the internett, I decided to talk to a psychologist. It's a bit hard at first, because we didn't know each other and it was my first time met her. She is kind and really helpfull and patient listening to me. in her opinion, I am stressfull. Partly agree with her opinion, but I was trying to say ' I am not stressfull, I enjoy my life with all drama in it and I am so gratefull for being myself. She said, 'Bu, tidak selamanya Ibu harus kuat. Ibu juga perlu menangis untuk sedikit melepaskan beban pikiran.' Then I asked her, 'How do you know that I got a bit problem with expressing myself ? ' She smiled,'Ibu bukan clien pertama saya dengan masalah seperti ini'. Sesekali ibu harus berhenti pura pura kuat, pura pura tertawa padahal hati ibu hancur.' (jadi nyambung lagu deh ahahah)....Okay, skip!!!

After I talked with her. I am feeling better.

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"mereka bilang syukuri sajalah, padahal rela tak semudah kata. 

Tak perlu khawatir kuhanya terluka, terbiasa tuk pura pura tertawa.

Namun bolehkah sekali saja u menangis?

Sebelum kembali membohongi diri."

_Fiersa Besari and Feby Putri_